Haruno Sakuto
by CRMLDNSN
Summary: Crack-ish Seme!Male!Saku x All; Drabbles/Oneshots on events that might happen if Sakura was a guy. Drabble 1: In which Sakuto has a very big...trouser snake, Hyuuga Neji is a bottom and a screamer (and surprisingly 'small,' if you know what I mean), and Tenten is suddenly a hardcore fujoshi. Male!SakuNeji
1. Confessions

**Chapter Summary: **In which Haruno Sakura is Haruno Sakuto, Yamanaka Ino is drooling over the guy, and she afterwards find out that he swings the other way.

**Pairing/s: **Male!SakuIno-ish

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.**_

**A/N: I'm not serious about this. I'm just gonna make random drabbles when I have ideas. And it **_**has **_**been a long time since I posted Naruto-related fics. Most of which were fails.**

**:X:X:**

**Confessions**

It was a phase, Sakuto thought as he stared into the eyes of his best friend, Yamanaka Ino.

Was it him, or were the pupils love-shaped?

No, that would be very, _very _anatomically incorrect. Eyes can't be shaped into anything more than a type of circular shapes. Hearts were not circular and therefore was incorrect.

Anyway, it was probably a phase.

"Ino?" he asked slowly whilst taking careful steps back. _**-insert Sakuto auto-defense feature here-**_

"Yes, sugar?" What. What. The. Flying. Fuck.

Phase.

It was a phase.

_ItwasaphaseItwasaphaseItwasaphase_

Just a phase.

A phase where you best friend falls in love with you or vice versa.

"Can you...stop staring?" he asked, uncertain. "It's very...uncomfortable."

Ino pouted. Finally, her eyes turned back to their original shape. It was getting very creepy, no matter how, uh, _interesting _heart-shaped eyes. Really, it is.

"You know what?" Ino said after a long minute pause.

Sakuto blinked. "Uh?" was his intelligent reply.

Her resolve hardened and she stared straight into his green eyes.

_OhgodtheheartshapedeyeswerebackOhgodtheylookweird **-insert readers saying, 'Where are the fucking punctuations?!' here-**_

"Haruno Sakuto," she said in that high-pitched voice of hers. Whatever. Ino was always thirteen years old in his mind even though she's already sixteen.

"I"—Ino paused for dramatic effect (and it worked wonders)—"am in love with you."

Sakuto blinked once.

Then twice.

A whole minute passed and all he could say was, "What?"

Ino groaned. "I love you," she said seriously. "Get that, Haruno Sakuto. I—love—you."

Sakuto offered her a sheepish grin and scratched the back of his head shile he looked at anything but the girl in front of him. "Well, Ino," he said, still not looking in her eyes, "that's very flattering of you, but..."

"But?" Ino furrowed her eyebrows. Why? Was she not likeable to become a suited lover for her best friend? Is it because Sakuto detested blondes? But wait, his best friend was a blonde. She mentally shook her head. And slapped her face as well. "But...?" she repeated.

"Look," Sakuto said, finally looking at her, "you are a _very _pretty girl, Ino. A lot of guys will be sure to fall for you. You're just not for me."

Ino's eyes widened. "What?!" she screeched, grabbing her friend by his shoulders. "What do you mean I'm not for you?! Is it because I'm fat? Or annoying? Or is it because I'm your friend and will never amount to anything else?"

Sakuto scrunched up his face into an expression of confusion. Why do women care about how fat they were? I mean, Chouji's fat, but that was actually an added bonus (in his family, at least) and he's very strong thanks to all that...muscle.

"Uh..."

"Well?!" she shrieked again. "Are you in love with someone else?! I will kill that bitch if it's the last thing I do!"

How melodramatic, his inner said dryly.

Sakuto found himself agreeing.

"Is it Hinata?!" she asked loudly. They were attracting civilians and shinobi alike already. "Tenten? Ayame? _Who's the fucker?!"_

Okay...that was too melodramatic, even for a girl. _**-insert feminist screeches and protests here- -insert author's 'no offense to feminists, I didn't mean for it to be offensive' apology here-**_

"Look, Ino," Sakuto said, turning slightly annoyed by each passing, 'Who's the fucker?!' Really, what does a guy have to do to make a girl shut up? He swears, Ino looked like a bull on steriods readying for a rampage around Konoha.

The flaring nostrils and red eyes were added bonuses.

"I'm gay."

That shut her up. _**-insert 'Finally!'s here-**_

"What." It seemed like a question even though Ino didn't mean it to be. But then again, who can say 'what' in a non-questioning tone? _**-insert readers trying- -insert readers failing-**_

"I'm gay. Homosexual. I swing the other way. I fancy guys. I like big co—"

"Okay!" Ino cut him off, frowning at the new-found discovery.

The silence was inevitable.

The tension was rising.

The drama unfolds.

The author thinks those lines were very cliché.

"So," Ino finally said after five minutes, "who's the dude?"

Sakuto shrugged. "Dunno. They're usually one-thing-flings."

Ino's jaw dropped. "You got laid already?! And 'they'?!"

"Yes."

"Since when?!"

"Um...when I was fourteen and a half."

"How many?"

Sakuto shrugged. "Maybe...twenty or something? I lost count."

"_You _got more guys than I did, _AND YOU ARE MOTHERFUCKING GAY!"_

"I thought you were a virgin."

"I am."

"So you never got laid."

"..."

"..."

"So, twenty or so?"

"Just about right."

"..."

"..."

"So...who tops?"

Sakuto smirks. "I do."

"_All the time?_"

"Yep."

**:X:X:**

**A/N: I do not regret anything. I like the insert here's most especially. -insert 'insert here' here-**

**There will probably loads of innuendos in the next chapters.**

**So, review? Feel free to give ideas. :)**

Remember: This is for fun. Updates are irregular. Sakuto tops. Boom.


	2. Clan's Pride

**Chapter Summary: **In which Sakuto has a very big...trouser snake, Hyuuga Neji is a bottom and a screamer (and surprisingly 'small,' if you know what I mean), and Tenten is suddenly a hardcore fujoshi.

**Pairing/s: **Male!SakuNeji (in that order)

**A/N: I regret nothing!**

**:X:X:**

**Clan's Pride**

Hyuuga Neji is what most shinobi call 'strong,' 'prideful,' and 'intellectual.' He has changed over the interval of three years, changing from egotistical bastard to conceited-but-still-cares-about-friends bastard.

He was enigmatic, he was a presumptuous bastard (_**-insert protests from said presumptuous bastard here-**_), he was from a prominent clan, etc. There are so many things that describe Hyuuga Neji.

But something surprising can also describe the very same Hyuuga Neji is that...

...he was a bottom...

"AHHHH!"

"I don't think you should scream, _Neji_."

"Well, I would stop if—AHHHH!"

"Hm?"

"—if you would stop _fucking _impaling me like that!"

"It's not my fault my cock's a giant compared to that little pinky finger you dare call a penis."

"Fuck you, Saku—nnnnghh..."

"Hm?"

"Shut—the—fuck—up."

"Says the guy who's screaming his lungs out."

"Touché. Look, all I'm saying is—AHHHHHH! WOULD YOU LET ME FUCKING FINI—AHHHHHNN!"

...and he was also the loudest fucking screamer in the world.

The entire village of Konoha knows it.

Suna probably does, too.

Anko is selling so much earplugs right now. _**-insert Anko yelling, 'Get your earplugs here for only twenty yen for each pair!' here-**_

_**-insert fujoshis and fudanshis screaming fanatically here, too-**_

:X:X:

"So, Neji," Tenten mysteriously said as she looked at one Hyuuga Neji sleeping on the root of a tree.

The author thinks the name, 'Hyuuga Neji,' is being overused. Or so the author thinks it is.

The author thinks that half of the characters of Manga series, Naruto, don't have last names.

The author thinks 'the author thinks' must stop before the whole chapter is dedicated to what the author thinks.

The author thinks the phrase, 'the author thinks,' is being unintentionally raped like how the name, 'Hyuuga Neji,' is, too. Wait, the name isn't being overused...the author thinks...

The author thinks this should stop.

The author thinks—

_**-insert readers screaming, 'Get on with it already, you little shit! DX' here-**_

...all right, sheesh...

Anyway.

"What?" Neji asked as he opened one pearly (...) eye to look at his teammate. Tenten, as seen by Neji, has an impish grin, mysteriously glinting eyes, and a camera (do they even have one of those yet?) settled between her hands.

"Oh nothing," Tenten replied. Mysteriously.

We must not forget that word. Mysteriously.

A lot like how we can't forget the name, 'Harry Potter,' because you'd be labelled as an idiot by majority of the world for not knowing such a famous name/word/fictional character/hero/dude who got a scar/dude who is a wizard/dude who defeated a snakey Dark Lord, of whom spent his life stalking said teenager, etc.

(Which is funny, because the most feared name, 'Voldemort' came from a teenager bored in class and decided to make an awesome anagram from his name and _luckily _ended up with a name that means 'flight of death' in French. Wow.) _**-insert 'This is not about Harry Potter's nemesis/mortal enemy/stalker/pedophile-feticist!' protests here-**_

_**-insert said Harry Potter's nemesis/mortal enemy/stalker/pedophile-feticist's protest against being a stalker/pedophile-feticist here-**_

Like 'fuck' for instance.

All of you know what that means, eh? Dem new generazione. Knowing 'fuck' and 'shit' and all that, uh, shit. _**-insert author looking around embarrassingly here-**_

"So..." Tenten said, mysteriously smiling once again. Neji grunted in annoyance.

"Look," he said, "if you're not telling me anything, then I think you should go back to training and let me go back to napping."

Of course, Tenten was very stubborn; therefore, she did not go back to training, she did not let Neji go back to napping and she didn't leave him alone. Neji sighed in annoyance as he closed his eyes, breathing peacefully and dreaming of going to La La Land.

_I did not just think that, _Neji thought, mentally twitching his eyes out (if it had been literally, just imagine what in hell's name would happen). But he _did _think of going to La La Land, just so you don't get confused.

_No, I did not, _Neji told me, the author. Wait a minute. Did you just talk to me?

_Yeah, I did, _he replied.

Wait.

Wait a _motherfucking minute._

Neji, you're not supposed to break the fourth waaaaallll! It defies the purpose of me narrating the entire story and letting me control everything the characters think and do. If you break the fourth wall, that just means I can't control you properly and readers won't experience the joyful..._experience _of torturing fictional characters.

_You readers and authors do what to us?_

Nothing. But really, though. Stop.

Neji mentally rolled his eyes. And since I'm the one who wrote that, I _know _that he just rolled his eyes.

It's not like I read minds. Pfft. How stupid...he, he...

Anyway; back to the story.

"I heard you last night," she blurted out, just as Neji was almost fully asleep. Neji jerked open his pearly white teeth—uh, I mean, eyes. Sorry, force of habit. Neji discreetly growled at me again.

"What exactly _did_ you hear?" Neji asked in that emotionless tone of his, with emphasis. How does that work exactly?

"Screaming." Tenten grinned. "I never thought you of a bottom, Neji. Much less a screamer."

"I get heard every time," Neji replied coolly.

"Yeah," Tenten said, smiling _mysteriously _(never forget!), "in sex, right?" She giggled. Neji thought that it was somehow not fitting for her, since she _is _the weapons' mistress of Konohagakure, and can hold a hundred knives in one pocket.

(Because of this, she was also known as the person who defies the law of the world that defies physics and defies its physics.

That statement should be turned into some type of tongue-twister or riddle or something. Either way, it gives you brain-farts.)

"Anyway," Tenten continued, a not-mysterious smile on her face, "I made something that will celebrate yours and Sakuto-kun's three-month-two-weeks-one-day-and-five-hour anniversary!" She kept count? What. Neji didn't even know that he and Sakuto were together for three months. He thought that Sakuto didn't know either, and probably didn't care as well...

...because they were too cool for anniversaries...

(And they spend everyday fucking each other's brains out. Which is like an anniversary.)

_**-insert complains of sore asses from presumptuous bastard here-**_

"I got you guys a present!" Tenten chirped, pulling out a thin book, which looks a lot like a manga or doujinshi (do they have those yet? Maybe they do, with all the porn novels Ero-sennin writes all the time...). "What do you think?" She threw the book at Neji's face. Neji, being the proud bitch he is, caught it with a flick of his wrist and tried making that action as graceful as he could.

It worked.

Unsurprisingly.

Because he's a Hyuuga.

And Hyuugas are graceful as fuck.

_**-insert everyone agreeing here-**_

Neji took one good look at the doujinshi and his left eye twitched violently. What the fuck is this...?

"Tenten," Neji said as calmly as possible, "what is this retarded piece of faeces that you dare call literature?" Tenten smiled a sinister smile.

"Like I said," she replied, "it's for yours and Sakuto-kun's anniversary!"

"Mine and Neji's?" a deep voice asked from above the tree Neji was sitting down. Yes, it was our very own Haruno Sakuto, with his short, spiky, really boyish pink hair (because pink is _manly as fuck)_, fucking awesome green eyes, and a better and bigger prowess than Neji's.

_Hey. What the fuck was that introduction? It was better than mine._ I told you, Neji, stop breaking the fourth waa~aaaaaallllll~!

_Tch._

"...it's our anniversary today?" Sakuto asked, his leg swinging back and forth. "Uh, sorry, Neji, never remembered," he admitted, putting his gloved hands up in mock-surrender.

Neji scoffed. "Never remembered either," he said.

Sakuto smiled and jumped down, landing next to Neji. "So, Tenten," he said, looking at the addressed girl, "can I see our gift?"

Tenten smiled, which brightened her face, as she crouched down and gave Sakuto the doujinshi. Taking the thin book, he situated it around him and Neji so that both of them could see it.

It took Sakuto all he had not to laugh.

It took Neji all he had not to destroy _every single motherfucking thing in sight._

On the cover of the book was Sakuto and Neji in a _very _compromising position. (I'll leave it to you imaginations, my dear readers.) Neji had the most flushed face anyone could see him in while Sakuto was smirking mischievously.

"This is adorable, Tenten," Sakuto said, smiling. "You drew this?" Tenten nodded in confirmation. "You got Neji's face right! That's the exact he makes when we have sex!"

Tenten squealed in joy. "I'm so glad you liked it, Sakuto-kun~!" she cooed. "Do you mind if I sold it and its copies to everyone in Konoha?"

Sakuto slowly smiled. "Of course, I don't mind!" he said.

Neji sputtered. "What the f—? I didn't even—! I never agreed to this!" he screamed in anger. Sakuto only smiled and wrapped an arm around him. He buried his face in the crook of the older's neck.

"Well, you know," he mumbled, looking up at Neji, "at least everyone will know you're mine." He smirked and Neji blushed to the roots of his hair.

"Everyone already knows, idiot."

Sakuto laughed. "I'll make it more known then." He nodded to Tenten. "Can you snap a picture of us?" Even though we don't know if cameras exist yet or not, let's say it does. Tenten nodded vigorously, smiling as she readied her camera.

"Okay; one...two..."

Sakuto grabbed Neji's face and _frenched him._

"...three..." Tenten squealed as she snapped a picture.

The next day, blood from the many nosebleeds girls had were myriad. The hospital was packed with girls that need blood transfusion, rest, and psychological cure. Sakuto, who worked at the hospital and now had numerous girls (including some of the nurses and doctors) asking him questions about his and Neji's relationship.

Despite the fact that he was most likely annoyed with being bombarded with questions all day, all he could think of was:

_"Totally worth it."_

**:X:X:**

**A/N: Okay, this is a long and pointless chapter with no plot whatsoever. But I enjoyed writing it. My brain got stuck and suddenly; writer's block! I never meant for the chapter to be this long or for the wait to be, well, long.**

** And ohgodtheseximplications. Never knew I had it in me.**

**Review? :)**


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